If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
