I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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