we have pet lesbian snakes
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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