i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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