I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm passing your future prison.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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