Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
