PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
