the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
