4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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