wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
