did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
