Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
