it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
