So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
