I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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