Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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