Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
