i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
