The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
