she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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