This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
