I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize