So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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