I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What drink are we having for lunch?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
