I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Even my vagina gasped.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
