So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
