I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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