i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
