His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
