So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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