My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
