chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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