I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
