by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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