He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Found the puke drawer
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
