If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
