If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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