i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
