Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The air taste purple.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize