My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
