i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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