i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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