nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize