When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
