You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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