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I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
