Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i came on her dog
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
