I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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