So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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