I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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