whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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