Define "chronic" masturbator.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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