Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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