i don't like sucking hair
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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