So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Liz is crying about burritos again.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
