dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
