im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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