We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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