Will you blow on my dice?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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