I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
