wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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