We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
