i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
