after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
