I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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