I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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